3 months ago...
Where is my period? I was no longer on the pill and we weren't trying so I wasn't really paying attention to my dates but I was sure I should of had one by now.
Surely it can't be anything to do with 'the incident' a couple of weeks ago...I took the morning after pill for that. I frantically check my phones calendar and my diary for some sign or event when I know I was 'on' last. The result? I was 6 days late.
The next day I was due to meet a friend at a shopping mall. I told her I needed to buy a pregnancy test as precaution, to rule it out. So sure I was that I wouldn't be pregnant I did the test with her in the toilets there and then without a word to The Man about any of this.
We both stood there dumbfounded when the test read positive.
I am pregnant.
Complete shell shock doesn't even come close. I took the bloody morning after pill! Since when does that not work?!
The Man was in work and this isn't the kind of news you want to break over the phone so I had to wait an entire day to drop this bombshell on him.
How the f**k can I be pregnant? We have an 8 month old for goodness sake not to mention the nearly 3 year old. Sure we'd talked about having a third child but not for another year or two. I wanted us to get married first, for me to have a break from being pregnant for a while. I'm in the process of loosing weight now all that was going to be ruined. I wanted to live a little bit, have a Christmas with brie, pate and wine. I was just getting to a good place and now my life and my body are going to be completely changed.
Fast-forward to now...
And not much has changed if I'm totally honest. Until yesterday I hadn't cried or had a major breakdown. I'd been plodding along, almost laughing it off saying "we'll just cope, we'll have to"
but yesterday was different. Yesterday was the scan. The day when you finally see your baby and break the news to the masses, the happy day. Not so much for me. The anticipation of that scan later in the day made me really overwhelmed and coupled with a disastrous trip to asda with the boys I found myself in the park with two mum friends crying. I'm just not ready. How am I going to deal with this?
The scan itself didn't really help matters much. Our local hospital marvellous as the the midwifes/nurses/doctors are is a complete crap hole for parking. We turned up 15 minutes early to ensure we could park knowing the score as this isn't our first rodeo. We couldn't. It got so close to my appointment that The Man had to drop me off and search again by himself. No luck...I had the scan alone. He missed it. Totally not his fault, I place no blame on him but after the morning I'd had, crying in the park it really wasn't what I needed. To make matters worse for me I didn't get the jolt of butterflies and love that you normally get when it comes to seeing your baby for the first time on the monitor. I was hoping that would fill in some of the emotional gaps I'd been feeling about being pregnant again. It didn't. I was looking up at the screen just thinking 'there it is' and that was about it.
I have no doubt that I will love this baby just as much as my two boys and time will help but for know I still feel shocked, I still feel overwhelmed and I still feel unsure about how I'm going to cope with this.
So why am I choosing to share this detail with you? Well in the beginning I thought if I'm going to make a blog it will be honest, warts and all. I'm not going to paint a picture of a perfect life and me being the perfect mum because I'm not. This was unplanned and I don't feel the need to keep that a secret, and surely other mums out there who've had an unexpected pregnancy felt similar to me (I'm really hoping they do because sometimes I feel just awful for feeling this way) and so if I share this it might help someone else and it might just help me.
So for now that's all I've got. I'll keep you posted.
Speak soon x
Where is my period? I was no longer on the pill and we weren't trying so I wasn't really paying attention to my dates but I was sure I should of had one by now.
Surely it can't be anything to do with 'the incident' a couple of weeks ago...I took the morning after pill for that. I frantically check my phones calendar and my diary for some sign or event when I know I was 'on' last. The result? I was 6 days late.
The next day I was due to meet a friend at a shopping mall. I told her I needed to buy a pregnancy test as precaution, to rule it out. So sure I was that I wouldn't be pregnant I did the test with her in the toilets there and then without a word to The Man about any of this.
We both stood there dumbfounded when the test read positive.
I am pregnant.
Complete shell shock doesn't even come close. I took the bloody morning after pill! Since when does that not work?!
The Man was in work and this isn't the kind of news you want to break over the phone so I had to wait an entire day to drop this bombshell on him.
How the f**k can I be pregnant? We have an 8 month old for goodness sake not to mention the nearly 3 year old. Sure we'd talked about having a third child but not for another year or two. I wanted us to get married first, for me to have a break from being pregnant for a while. I'm in the process of loosing weight now all that was going to be ruined. I wanted to live a little bit, have a Christmas with brie, pate and wine. I was just getting to a good place and now my life and my body are going to be completely changed.
Fast-forward to now...
And not much has changed if I'm totally honest. Until yesterday I hadn't cried or had a major breakdown. I'd been plodding along, almost laughing it off saying "we'll just cope, we'll have to"
but yesterday was different. Yesterday was the scan. The day when you finally see your baby and break the news to the masses, the happy day. Not so much for me. The anticipation of that scan later in the day made me really overwhelmed and coupled with a disastrous trip to asda with the boys I found myself in the park with two mum friends crying. I'm just not ready. How am I going to deal with this?
The scan itself didn't really help matters much. Our local hospital marvellous as the the midwifes/nurses/doctors are is a complete crap hole for parking. We turned up 15 minutes early to ensure we could park knowing the score as this isn't our first rodeo. We couldn't. It got so close to my appointment that The Man had to drop me off and search again by himself. No luck...I had the scan alone. He missed it. Totally not his fault, I place no blame on him but after the morning I'd had, crying in the park it really wasn't what I needed. To make matters worse for me I didn't get the jolt of butterflies and love that you normally get when it comes to seeing your baby for the first time on the monitor. I was hoping that would fill in some of the emotional gaps I'd been feeling about being pregnant again. It didn't. I was looking up at the screen just thinking 'there it is' and that was about it.
I have no doubt that I will love this baby just as much as my two boys and time will help but for know I still feel shocked, I still feel overwhelmed and I still feel unsure about how I'm going to cope with this.
So why am I choosing to share this detail with you? Well in the beginning I thought if I'm going to make a blog it will be honest, warts and all. I'm not going to paint a picture of a perfect life and me being the perfect mum because I'm not. This was unplanned and I don't feel the need to keep that a secret, and surely other mums out there who've had an unexpected pregnancy felt similar to me (I'm really hoping they do because sometimes I feel just awful for feeling this way) and so if I share this it might help someone else and it might just help me.
So for now that's all I've got. I'll keep you posted.
Speak soon x
This is so true for me! Found out in July 2014 I was 3 months gone expecting number 3, my eldest had just turned 2 and I had a 6 month old! A massive shock especially as I had sourced long term contraception the week before. The whole pregnancy was so hard I had complications not to mention my husband had to give up work due to ill health and we lost our house in this time too. My little boy is now 10 months old, and I wouldn't change things but bloody hell its been tough! Apparently things can only get better......!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my god! Sounds like you had a lot more on your plate than me! You are a super-woman, you deserve a huge pat on the back, maybe a medal and definitely a lot of wine!
DeleteKeep up the good work X
(And thanks for reading and your comment, it's lovely to get messages like that because it really helps me too) X