When I was pregnant with my first son I was so ready to take on the mum role. My friends in school wanted to be vets or teachers, I just wanted to be a mum.
When he was born I had the shock of my life in more ways than one. Yes it was emotional, I cried as this little bundle I had just pushed out was put upon my chest and I knew I would love him more than anything else but very quickly panic sets in and you look down at this helpless, gorgeous baby and think 'what the hell do I do now?'
I remember people telling me that you'd get toast and a cup of tea after having your baby and it would be the best toast of your life - when they wheeled mine into the room after a 21 hour labour, melting butter on bread had never looked better and this was the moment the midwife tells me I need to feed my baby for the first time (the start of many times my children would come in between me and food). I decided I wanted to breastfeed naively thinking that you just put baby to breast and hey presto you're feeding. This is not the case. As if you haven't had enough people looking at your downstairs for the last few hours they now want to inspect your nipples and just how it's going into baby's mouth. Is there the right amount of nipple going in? Is the baby's nose clear and not pushed against your boob, are they 'latched' correctly? It was hard. Needless to say cold, soggy toast was not the super meal I was looking forward to.
Everybody tells you that having a baby is hard, that it will change everything but until you do it you never truly know.
Friends and family came round and told me I 'was a natural' that they couldn't believe I was up and about and happy to get them drinks and be hostess so soon - in my mind I was just happy I could get up off the sofa without looking like a weeble and walk around freely while someone else held my baby that had been attached to me for hours. It felt like a break to get them a coffee and a biscuit. But I couldn't tell them that. You get asked how you're coping but because they've already told you how well you're doing so as not to disappoint them you say "it's brilliant! I'm really loving it!" - you're not.
I was going to see Mum one day a week or so after having him, I'm the kind of person that goes a bit stir crazy when I'm at home too long, I'd been inside my four walls since giving birth so I jumped at the chance to go to their house. My Mum and Dad open the door to Lee and I with car seat in hand. All they say is hello and that's it - I burst out crying. I break down. And at that moment my baby wakes up and cries too. Great. When we all eventually calm down and I'm breastfeeding again Mum tells me that when she'd had my eldest brother-her first child, she found it so hard some days that she had visions of wanting to throw him out of the window. My response - "we're allowed to say that?! Thank god!" I'd honestly been wondering when the wonderful bit that people talk about was going to kick in. It wasn't wonderful at all, it was in fact pretty shit.
But this changed my attitude.
Now when my friends and I meet up we probably spend the first good hour sharing our own battle stories of the shocking time we had just trying to get ready that very morning.
We come across mums, new mums in particular who maintain the "Isn't it great!" attitude - these are Swans of Motherhood. Prettily gliding through mum life looking graceful without a hair (or feather) out of place, but out of sight they are wildly paddling trying to stay afloat. They must be.
Well Swans, come and have a coffee with us - being a mum sucks sometimes...but that's OK.
Speak soon x
When he was born I had the shock of my life in more ways than one. Yes it was emotional, I cried as this little bundle I had just pushed out was put upon my chest and I knew I would love him more than anything else but very quickly panic sets in and you look down at this helpless, gorgeous baby and think 'what the hell do I do now?'
I remember people telling me that you'd get toast and a cup of tea after having your baby and it would be the best toast of your life - when they wheeled mine into the room after a 21 hour labour, melting butter on bread had never looked better and this was the moment the midwife tells me I need to feed my baby for the first time (the start of many times my children would come in between me and food). I decided I wanted to breastfeed naively thinking that you just put baby to breast and hey presto you're feeding. This is not the case. As if you haven't had enough people looking at your downstairs for the last few hours they now want to inspect your nipples and just how it's going into baby's mouth. Is there the right amount of nipple going in? Is the baby's nose clear and not pushed against your boob, are they 'latched' correctly? It was hard. Needless to say cold, soggy toast was not the super meal I was looking forward to.
Everybody tells you that having a baby is hard, that it will change everything but until you do it you never truly know.
Friends and family came round and told me I 'was a natural' that they couldn't believe I was up and about and happy to get them drinks and be hostess so soon - in my mind I was just happy I could get up off the sofa without looking like a weeble and walk around freely while someone else held my baby that had been attached to me for hours. It felt like a break to get them a coffee and a biscuit. But I couldn't tell them that. You get asked how you're coping but because they've already told you how well you're doing so as not to disappoint them you say "it's brilliant! I'm really loving it!" - you're not.
I was going to see Mum one day a week or so after having him, I'm the kind of person that goes a bit stir crazy when I'm at home too long, I'd been inside my four walls since giving birth so I jumped at the chance to go to their house. My Mum and Dad open the door to Lee and I with car seat in hand. All they say is hello and that's it - I burst out crying. I break down. And at that moment my baby wakes up and cries too. Great. When we all eventually calm down and I'm breastfeeding again Mum tells me that when she'd had my eldest brother-her first child, she found it so hard some days that she had visions of wanting to throw him out of the window. My response - "we're allowed to say that?! Thank god!" I'd honestly been wondering when the wonderful bit that people talk about was going to kick in. It wasn't wonderful at all, it was in fact pretty shit.
But this changed my attitude.
Now when my friends and I meet up we probably spend the first good hour sharing our own battle stories of the shocking time we had just trying to get ready that very morning.
We come across mums, new mums in particular who maintain the "Isn't it great!" attitude - these are Swans of Motherhood. Prettily gliding through mum life looking graceful without a hair (or feather) out of place, but out of sight they are wildly paddling trying to stay afloat. They must be.
Well Swans, come and have a coffee with us - being a mum sucks sometimes...but that's OK.
Speak soon x
Your openness and honesty will encourage and inspire others, for that alone your blog should be read by all new mums! I had a few tears on reading this, keep up the good work dear daughter, xx
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only 1 who'd felt like that, thanks for being real
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not the only one!
DeleteThanks so much for reading x
Fantastic read! Can't wait for the next one...X
ReplyDeleteReading tho made me realise how important it is to just be honest about how you're feeling!!
ReplyDeleteWithout a vent I think I would go insane!
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